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Babies on Planes

from Not For Kids Really by Dan Latner

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lyrics

Your bundle of joy
Is rather annoying
It’s caterwauling’s causing me such pain
Your little girl or boy
Sure makes me feel like destroying
Why’d you bring your baby on the plane?

Everybody paid a thousand dollars for their ticket
To participate in the miracle of flight
Everybody here would like to tell you where to stick it
Wrap their arms around your neck and hug you murderously tight

Have you ever read an essay called “A modest proposal”?
It’s a manual for dining on the children of the poor’
I’m not hungry, but your kid would fit in my garbage disposal
Compared to it’s current cries that would be easy to endure


I’d like to kick you straight into an parallel dimension
Or pelt you with a basket full of Ravioli Cans
But since inconveniences are the prelude to invention
Allow me to elucidate a couple business plans

Business Plan 1

How about a soundproof fishbowl that goes on the baby’s head
With a rubber collar to provide an airtight seal
No one else will be subjected to it’s sniveling, instead
The infant perpetrator must suffer it’s own squeals

Business Plan Number 2

A visit to see grandparents who may soon get dementia
Is really the sole reason that a baby needs to fly
But what if we could please them while the baby’s in absentia
One last happy memory before they have to die

Let’s open up a worldwide chain for human baby rentals
On arrival you just borrow the correct colour and size
Whisk it off to see it’s elders and snap photos sentimental
We all know babies look the same – they’ll never realize

credits

from Not For Kids Really, released December 5, 2017

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Dan Latner Toronto, Ontario

silly words and things with strings

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