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Not For Kids Really

by Dan Latner

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1.
Infant Acupuncture Clinic 01:17
2.
Marry Your Daughter 04:02
lyrics
I wonder if my second wife is even born yet It’s great not worrying about a biological clock Growing up’s taking much longer than I expected But you’re starting a family and I’m hearing opportunity knock We’ve been through a lot man, you really feel like a brother I got to know your wife too – now she’s almost like a sister to me If you’re both siblings of mine, it’s kind of funny that you’re married to eachother I think I figured out a way that we could really be family Whoa – maybe I should marry your daughter I’ll give her my all / Treat her so fine / Give her my all substitute I’ll give her every thing she needs I’m a good friend and she deserves a good man The argument holds a lot of water Whoa - maybe I should marry your daughter Don’t you like the Graduate and all those Woody Allen movies? Don’t you shed a few tears every time you watch Harold and Maude? By the time she’s of age the singularity will have made Data out of all of our bodies She’ll have nothing to touch if that’s the part of this you’re finding odd Nothing would ever happen between us Before she’s twenty Even if it’s legal, dating teens is weird And I’d hate if my own kids began to resent me There’s no need to rush you’ve got two decades to consider That’s enough time to save a handsome dowry Just don’t tell my first wife or she’ll find a way to make herself a wider Or file for divorce and take everything away from me
3.
Babies on Planes 03:46
lyrics
Your bundle of joy Is rather annoying It’s caterwauling’s causing me such pain Your little girl or boy Sure makes me feel like destroying Why’d you bring your baby on the plane? Everybody paid a thousand dollars for their ticket To participate in the miracle of flight Everybody here would like to tell you where to stick it Wrap their arms around your neck and hug you murderously tight Have you ever read an essay called “A modest proposal”? It’s a manual for dining on the children of the poor’ I’m not hungry, but your kid would fit in my garbage disposal Compared to it’s current cries that would be easy to endure I’d like to kick you straight into an parallel dimension Or pelt you with a basket full of Ravioli Cans But since inconveniences are the prelude to invention Allow me to elucidate a couple business plans Business Plan 1 How about a soundproof fishbowl that goes on the baby’s head With a rubber collar to provide an airtight seal No one else will be subjected to it’s sniveling, instead The infant perpetrator must suffer it’s own squeals Business Plan Number 2 A visit to see grandparents who may soon get dementia Is really the sole reason that a baby needs to fly But what if we could please them while the baby’s in absentia One last happy memory before they have to die Let’s open up a worldwide chain for human baby rentals On arrival you just borrow the correct colour and size Whisk it off to see it’s elders and snap photos sentimental We all know babies look the same – they’ll never realize
4.
Charlene 04:01
lyrics
Charlene what has happened to you? You have such a hard time just making it through You don’t have a clue What you’re going to do Gotta find something true now Charlene Stagnation is making you cold If you’re slow crossing bridges you’re gonna get trolled You weren’t cut from a mold Why ya feeling so old? Play your hand, don’t you fold now Charlene It’s hard to see you stuck in second chances You stay right here while all the world advances But hh Charlene Oh Charlene I wonder who you could have been Charlene, how ya feeling today? Watched your feet for so long now you can’t find the way Say you just gotta to play Go ahead it’s okay No-one’s making you stay now Charlene Do you live with a pain in your chest From not using the tools that you know you possess? Choose a road, try your best There’s no judge there’s no test Spread your wings, fly the nest now Charlene You won't ride your bike in the city because of the cars And I can't take you out to the country you're frightened by stars
5.
Elvis Shoes 02:43
lyrics
I live just down the street from a nursing home And when the tenants pass away they sell the things that they own Mostly it’s all piles of useless old people junk That’s what I think, or rather that’s what I thunk Figured it was all stuff I wouldn’t care to lose Then one day I found a pair of Elvis’ shoes I bought Elvis’ shoes at a garage sale…. He scrawled EAP across the left one’s sole That’s how I knew they belonged to the king of rock and roll I tried em on in hopes they’d make me dance like him But they don’t – they’re just leather tied up with a string So I spiked up my hair and put a chain on my neck And went downtown to see NOFX I wore Elvis’ shoes to a punk show… I came home all covered in sweat Aired out my feet and I got on the internet Took some pictures sent ‘em off to the news Now everybody’s talking ‘bout my Elvis shoes Posted those loafers for a cool half mill Got twice what I asked now I’m ready to chill I sold Elvis’ shoes online….
6.
When They Get Divorced 04:24
lyrics
Something’s changing in the air around our one time happy home A cruel wind has blown uninvited from the North The ground’s become unstable like it’s flooding from beneath Hard to trust our feet to find the right way moving forth Mama’s feeling down, watching stories all the day With a glass of chardonnay and one eye on the door Daddy’s always home late with a pocket full of lies And a sadness in his eyes that says “I can’t do this no more” Little brother don’t you cry I’ll always be beside you There to help you anytime you call Any way this turns out Just know it’s not your fault They still love you of course And we’ll get more presents when they get divorced While they go blow our inheritance to sort the alimony Home might get a little lonely so we’ll have to make a plan To keep our chins and spirits up, inner peace is a decision Internet and television will raise us better than they can It may be hard at first when they bring around new beaus But if we just play up our woes they’ll bring down presents from above So lets never act too satisfied, never too fulfilled We can leverage all their guilt and make them quarrel for our love Twice as much on birthdays Twice on Christmas too Channukah if dad marries a jew We’ll get more presents when they get divorced….
7.
Bulawayo 01:04
8.
Babes by Science 01:51
lyrics
How very simple our lives would be 
If babes were grown in a laboratory The state could then control birthrate decide what future should be their fate And even plan who each should mate. Mothers would cease to sigh or cry Or watch over infants for fear theyʼd die. Nights would be peaceful, free from strain With no teething troubles from babes in pain Or restless children their hours to claim Life would be great playing under the sun Without problem parents to spoil oneʼs fun. All would start even and owning the same And money would be just a fabled name To youth who from those test tubes came. How fortunate young marrieds would be If they originated from a laboratory:
 No mother-in-law would mar their joy Oh happy girl!.....Most delighted boy: What bliss would be theirs without alloy If only the scientists would all agree To grow futures babes in the laboratory
9.
A Snake ate my Sister 03:23
lyrics
Our dog was scratching at his bowl¬ begging for a meal But we hadn’t a morsel to give Mama sent me to the pet store To buy him some food And she said take your sister with She loves to see the bunnies and the gerbils and the hamsters And all fluffy things of that size So she gave me five dollars, kissed us both at the door And never more saw my sister alive Cause a python escaped and it swallowed her whole While she stared at the goldfish swimming round in their bowl I miss the only sister I ever had Momma and Daddy are gonna be mad It was only for a moment that I turned my back To check out the leopard geckos The snake was so silent, I heard not a sound Not a squeak not a skwak not a squecho It was rolling on the floor by the staff only door With a sister sized lump in his gut Momma said I should to watch her, now she’ll ground me for sure After Dad cracks my head like a nut Chorus The firemen and the police and the channel six news Are all gathered to do what they do I’m still standing by the lizards with a real bad case Of the snake ate my sister blues This day was so tragic and if I was magic I’d bring her back instantaneously But I can’t help to thinking that momma and dad Will now spend all their money on me Chorus
10.
Happy Thoughts 03:21
lyrics
Do you think I’d let you go that easy Think you’d slip my mind just like you slipped away? I’m gonna fight I’m gonna fly until I catch you One way or another we will be together on our dying day You used to follow as my shadow Now times have changed and I must follow you I’m closing in you’ll never win If I have my way you’ll never sin again Your rambling days are through You better run you better hide You better pray we never meet Cause I got needles I got thread And I will sew you to my feet Go on and set the pace You know I’ve never lost a race You know I’ll never settle for defeat Think you can hide among the children This game ain’t got no rules I burst on in Before their eyes Above their cries I pin you down And with a bar of soap attach you to my skin Little darling asks me why I’m crying I tell her honestly it’s all because of you She showed me ways You’d be amazed to stick together Now forever and all time she’ll be mine too
11.
Who Me? 00:10
12.
Kindergarten Blues 02:17
lyrics
I look at you when we do math and add up one and one Watch you on the slide at recess having so much fun If you forget your lunch one day I’ll offer you my bag And chase you extra fast whenever we play kiss tag I hope you notice me when I throw a worm on you I got the kindergarten blues You’re pretty in the classroom and when you play in the dirt You’re pretty on the swingset when I try look up your skirt But the only time you notice me is when I’m being teased And you join in with the other kids and shout “he has cooties” I want to stick my hand to yours with child-safe elmers glue I got the kindergarten blues I saw you in the corner doing that funny dance But don’t worry I won’t tell anyone what you did in your pants When we play red rover I’ll always call you over Gonna love you till the end of time or at least until Octover You know I’d kiss you on the mouth but I heard your dad might sue I got the kindergarten blues
13.
Hot off the Press 00:17
14.
Departed 00:16
15.
Hotflash Codpast Podcast 01:02

credits

released December 5, 2017

Dan Latner - Fiddle, Vocals

Andrew Collins

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Dan Latner Toronto, Ontario

silly words and things with strings

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