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No Fun Intended

by Dan Latner

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1.
Maybe I envy your new situation Seems you’re on the path to your dream occupation Maybe I’m longing for the past And hoping something dead could last Maybe I just wanna be beside you Maybe I just don’t want someone else inside you Maybe you make me wanna sing You make me want to buy a ring Chorus: I wanna fuck you It’s just my luck you moved way up to Northern Canada where I can’t stand the cold I came to mend it You said let’s end it now before we get too old Maybe I’m addicted to the ways that you hurt me Maybe it kind of feels good when you desert me Maybe this will be a good release Maybe you’ll be a missing piece Maybe it’s ‘cause I always knew it Maybe I just wanna prove I can do it Maybe if you apologized I’d scream at you until you cried Chorus Maybe I’m scared that you still need me Maybe I’m scared you really freed me Maybe you’ll regret that day And all the years you’ve thrown away Maybe I’m scared of what I’ll find Maybe I’m scared to leave you behind Maybe we’ll both stay all alone and reconnect at the nursing home
2.
I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days but I’m still gonna give you a kiss I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days but you know true love is bliss My breath is bad but I’m not sad Cause minty fresh is just a fad I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days but I’m still gonna give you a kiss I didn’t brush my teeth one morning then I went to my buddy’s house We ate some food and smoked a doob and I passed out on the couch But the couch was small I couldn’t sleep at all And your phone was off when I tried to call So I didn’t brush my teeth in the morning and I walked out with a slouch I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days my mouth is fuzzy and green I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days and now I can get ‘em clean But you’re in my bed so I jump in instead And lay a stinky kiss upon your pretty head I haven’t bushed my teeth in two days but I’m still gonna give you a kiss
3.
In a Hotel 03:53
I’m sittin’ in a hotel on a mountain Countin’ cracks up on the ceiling And teardrops on the floor I’ve never missed someone like this But I’ve never lost someone like you before Just laid up in a hotel on a mountain Countin’ lives we’ll never lead And naming kids we’ll never know I miss you like I wonder what the Beatles might have done If they kept on going after Abbey Road. Would they have been the first band to record live on the moon? Would they have traded in their submarine for a hot air balloon? Would Paul have stayed a vegetarian? Would George have shaved his beard? Would they have mellowed out with age or got progressively more weird? Would they have invented dubstep in 1976? Would they have beaten Bowie to dudes dressing up like chicks? Would they have written out a treaties on the band’s philosophies Telling how a gun is happiness when love is all you need? And if Mark David Chapman kept his shitty ass at home Would they be on reunion tour forever like the Stones? If Ringo got his nose fixed and stole Yoko away from John Would Johnny have just let it be or got his elephant and gun? All the children sing: I’m joking around but now and then I really do wonder Whether we missed out on some of the best fucking music Never created by man And I remember we used to believe if two people Could make something that good we can But now I’m pinin’ for you darling on a mountain Countin’ things we said we’d do together As we rolled through the years Taking on the world around us Taking on the greatest of our fears I’m hurting in a bad way on a mountain Countin’ memories unmade And naming kids we’ll never know I miss you like I wonder what the Beatles might have done If they kept on going after Abbey Road
4.
On the day you left me I was feeling mighty sore My broken heart was lying in three pieces on the floor For years I was a diamond but you turned me back to coal And so I climbed up to my room and smoked a little bowl Chorus: You’re gone and I miss you so I sit and I cry I’m high and I’m lonesome, I’m lonesome and high You left without warning, you never told me goodbye I’m high and I’m lonesome, I’m lonesome and high They say it’s better to lose a love than not to love at all I tell ‘em loves a mountain and the climb’s not worth the fall How can I mend this broken heart I need a magic tonic Or government grown medical grade BC hydroponic Chorus I’ve been useless as can be since you’ve been gone so long Can’t say I’ve cried an ocean, but enough to fill my bong Now the smoke is salty and it tastes like misery I should just buy a volcano and vaporize your memory Chorus
5.
Bored 03:49
Youth stole the sun when it aged Left us something worse than rain or rage The atmosphere is overcast, too vast, and awfully dull Empty, yet heavy, yet unemotional Chorus: I am bored and unenthusiastic My smile is numb my laughter is plastic Kids today are too fucking sarcastic Everybody’s too fucking sarcastic Nothing is happening here I wish that the sky would fall down or disappear I don’t care if the world around me blossoms , fades, or rots Even rotting would be better than this dreariness we’ve got Chorus Uninspired, unromantic I’d unconditionally rather be frantic This ennui is killing me, oh lord I wish it wasn’t Something might happen, but then it just doesn’t Something might happen, then it doesn’t Once again it almost was, but it wasn’t Oh I hardly ever talk to my cousins Do you ever talk to your cousins? Chorus
6.
Chorus: This one’s for the girls with the glasses Who look so much better, so much better than they see Yet I wonder if they didn’t wear their glasses IS there a better chance, a better chance That they’d look twice at me? My oh my, Those eyes those eyes Can’t look away, I gotta say I did your retinas, I dig your lashes Your perfect pupils Framed by your glasses Chorus Those winking games, those hipster frames A fleeting glance, ocular dance I dig your teardrop factories Your optical control Your facial highbeams The windows to your soul Chorus There’s nothing wrong with the nerdy type You know I love that look Of a quiet girl, bespectacled And buried nose deep in a fantasy book Where names all start with ‘Zed’ And you don’t always die when you’re dead Ah did ya hear me when I said? Chorus
7.
Well I tried to write a song for you but I didn't get too far
8.
The Downside 03:27
Oh the snow falls up when I’m upside-down And I mostly am when I go to town People call me blue but I’m really red That’s the way it goes when I’m on my head That’s the way it goes x3 When I’m smelling all your toes You all look swell when I’m way down here I can’t help but grin from ear to ear But to figure me out might take a while What you think’s a frown is the way I smile When I’m upside down x3 This stupid grin upon my face becomes a stupid frown Sometimes I just feel so screwed How lord how can I swallow my food? My belly’s aching full of pain My breakfast slides into my brain That’s the way I am x3 My brain is scrambled eggs and ham When I’m off to bed and the day is through And I’ve done all that I want to do Yes I have my fun cause I really try Though my head’s down here I am usually high I’m usually high, unusually high And that’s not a metaphor
9.
Watching you sleep is enough to keep Me up until the dawn Hearing you snore is never a bore I’m waiting without a yawn I stay quiet for through your dreams I fear I may tread Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed Unknown kisses I lay while you’re sleeping away Resting your pretty green eyes There can be no improvement on rapid eye movement My darling you’re truly a prize I listen for the lullaby that’s playing in your head Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed The night is old the earth is spinning As long as I’m near you it feels like I’m winning The floor is cold the sun is rising You’re so familiar, you’re so surprising Your eyes are off duty so you can’t know the beauty That’s keeping me up all night long I hope this has taught you I’m glad that I’ve got you My love’s in the words of this song There’s nowhere at all I’d choose to be instead Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed You continue to snore oh I think ‘bout tomorrow And the nights of the rest of my days My thoughts start to wander into the yonder I’ll stay with you through this great maze One day my honey we’ll surely be wed Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed Beside you I cannot wake up on the wrong side of the bed The night is old… I can’t help but grin as I tickle your chin Run my fingers through your tangled hair I know as sleep takes me that when the sun wakes me You’re still gonna be lying there There’s things ‘bout tomorrow I surely do dread But I won’t start my day on the wrong side of the bed I’ll be starting my day on the right side of the bed
10.
(ENGLISH TRANSLATION) I would like to go with you To a restaurant just down the street Everybody there is really nice And if you ask they will give you the legs of a frog Come over there with me my darling And we will have an extraordinary experience Just close your eyes and count like this 1,2,3,4 And then eat with me the Poutine of love Chorus: I would like to eat your face on the moon with some cheese And I would like to eat your heart with the poutine of love x2 I was surprised when I learned you were a seperatist I hope it’s not because of me, if yes, I will be sad When I look in your eyes I see the sun And like the people of Trois-Rivieres I shout “A Ouai”….like a duck You’re my little bescherrelle (verb conjugating book), you are my candy And I would like to get in your pants I feel sad because you won’t give me your heart I play the violin but I’m not a rapist Chorus Your eyes are more beautiful than the stars in the sky Your legs are also beautiful, what time do they open? Today we’ll drink at “Pub des Forges” And maybe afterwards I’ll take off your bra If you don’t give me your heart I’m going to have to go look for your little sister But every day I hope, but no, I believe That you want to eat the Poutine of Love with me Chorus Why why why why why….why do you want to break my nuts? Chorus
11.
Silver Hair 02:47
I’ve got me a silver hair though I’m not very old But you know I wish my silver hair was one made out of gold I’d cut it out and weigh it and to the store I’d go To get a check and cash it in to pay the dues I owe I was getting desperate so the other day I tried To get a job at a restaurant but when I got inside I thought why don’t I go right on and rob everyone in here Now I got more money than if I worked there for a year When I was a little boy my daddy said to me Go sleep if you want to chase your dreams Stay in bed if you want to succeed The early bird might catch the worm and if thats what you seek Just remember that the hungry fish gets a hook right through his cheek I know this lonely jester who sits at home and cries I know this lady Lucy who is really awful shy If you approach her corner she just heaves a gloomy sigh Tells you someplace better you might like to try She just sits on the corner Watching all the losers walk on by I’ve got me a silver hair though I’m not very old But you know I wish my silver hair was one made out of gold I’d cut it out and weigh it and to the store I’d go To get a check and cash it in to pay the dues I owe
12.
Wut Wuz 03:06
I could have tried a little harder Played my cards a little smarter Could’ve gone a little farther than we did Coulda learned a different rope Found another way to cope But I climbed a slippery slope and down we slid Chorus: I don’t feel too good anymore There’s lunatics outside my door They all wanna beat me and cheat me While my own mind tries to defeat me Maybe it’s because So much is gone of what was So much is gone of what was Sometimes I totally regret you Curse the day on which I met you Try to make myself forget you Then I think You were worth every bit of trouble If not thrice then surely double You’re the sparkling bubble dancing In my drink Chorus Time has passed and I’m no better I’m a full time choice regretter Won’t find any blanket wetter in the mud I’m the lint inside your pocket I’m a bulb without a socket Just a fuse without a rocket I’m a dud Chorus
13.
Marina 02:51
I like you as much as I can In the time that I’ve known you I like what you’ve shown me I don’t want to own you But I could do more than just bone you And slink out your door in the morning I’m sorry that canine attacked you Your eyes are so feline And so is your star sign Goddamn girl you’re too fine And I think that that’s why that dog Tried to dine on your thighs And maybe give you rabies It’s cool that you listen to bluegrass And your mom does reiki But if you don’t take me It’s not like you’ll break me I won’t let girls make me too sad anymore Get me feeling all bad like before Is it stupid to tell you I dig you? I’m sorry you got meningitis And your brain got swollen I like how you handle You’re so uncontrollin’ If I took you bowlin’ Could we get things rollin’ Or would you throw my heart in the gutter? Marina, you’ve gone back to Portland But it’s not important My attention span’s short And soon I will be courtin’ some other With a less heady mother And singing her this chorus I like you as much as I can in the time that I’ve known you…. And I could do more than just bone you And slink out your door in the morning

about

This album was made with funding from the Ontario Arts Council

credits

released June 3, 2015

All songs written by Dan Latner
Produced by Andrew Collins
Recorded and mixed by Andrew Collins
Mastered by David Travers-Smith

Dan Latner – Lead Vocals, Fiddle, Kazoo
Adam Shier – Acoustic Guitar, Vocals
James McEleney - Bass, Vocals
Matt Elwood – Banjo
Mike Mezzatesta – Mandolin

Sly Juhas – Drums
Brad Keller- Electric guitar
Andrew Collins – Vocals (8,11,13)
Kristin Cavoukian – Vocals (1,5,6,9,10))
Darcy Good – Vocals (1,6,10)
Marnie Niemi – Vocals (1,6,10)
Bob Rice - Trumpet (2)
David Travers-Smith – Trumpets (3,10)
Ross Harwell – Trombone (2,3)
John Showman – Violins (3)
Eli Bender – Cello (3)
Benjamin Hackman – Percussion (10)

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Dan Latner Toronto, Ontario

silly words and things with strings

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